TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from space, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after discovering the making's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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